JESUS

Now, i write this post heading in capitals because it regards, one of, if not, the most influential people to walk this planet, perhaps… ever. Yes i am talking about god himself. One could say, he didn’t walk this planet, but he sent a man to walk in his footsteps. Even that confuses me you see. Perhaps, Jesus wasn’t in fact the Son of god maybe he was just the first guy to realise it. I got this understanding we are all Son’s and Daughter’s of God, which leads me to my first question – Who is God. Or is God just an part of our own being.It riddles me, so finally at a tender age of 20 i have decided to stop asking questions and devote my life to God, well God as the Christians know him.

So last week at 6.30 i went to church. Now don’t get any strange idea’s this wasn’t “Church” with the wooden benches and a choir singing church hymns. I’m basing most of what i know of churches from Sister-Act but moving on. Before i’ve even walked in the doors i can hear the music from outside, it sounds like some sort of concert is going on inside, i get a little excited. Anyway we walk inside, it’s packed with people. Smiling, laughing, having a good time, then i walk into this other room, there is a stage

 

omg im getting all distracted cause im talking to this boy on facebook that i met today and cant gather my thoughts,

ill finish this soon lol

x

For the love of a Son

Usually when i finish readying a book, it gives me this good feeling, something along the lines of, good always prevails. But when i finished readying this book. I was like that isn’t the end, Duran comes homes and treats his mother with the love and respect she deserves but i turned the page and was shocked to find the epilogue. It gave me an odd sensation. Being on the verge of tears already i read through the epilogue and did infact start weeping.

If anyone has read anything by Jean Sasson you will know her novels are true heart wrenching story’s from middle eastern countries, mainly about the mistreatment of women. I have read two out of three in the Princess Trilogy but i can’t remember them that well besides that i enjoyed the shit out of them. Can’t wait to read to ‘Growing up Bin Laden’ which is true stories about the life of Osama bin Laden’s first wife and fourth born son.

‘For the love of a Son’ glosses over three generations of mistreatment in one Afghanistan family, until Maryam moves with her Father to America to escape war. But sadly finds herself in a traditional arranged marriage trying to save her Father, after years of being raped and beaten Maryam finds out she is pregnant to the cruel man who tricked her Father into believing would treat her well.

Maryam finds out she is pregnant and quickly falls in-love with her son to Kaiss, named Duran and would do anything to keep him safe, until she divorces the brute and her ex-husband  kidnapps Duran and flies back to war-ridden Afganistan.

It takes 18 years before Maryam is reunited with her beloved Duran, but the sweet little boy she left behind has turned into a cruel psychopath who admits in the final pages of the book that every night he thinks of his mother and masturbates, he is truly his Father’s Son. Like any Mother Maryam will never stop loving her son, and it finds console in knowing he is at least alive and well.

A truly amazing novel that will touch the heart of any person unless raised by Kiss the evil ex husband himself. The woman’s lives leaked across these pages are truly inspirational, and makes me thank-god (or Allah) that we live in such a beautiful country where men and women are treated as equals, and has really made me realise that life could really be a hell of a lot worse!

- Lucy Jean

“Girl”

there is this girl right.

 

our relationship didn’t exactly start out in the best way, it was probably the world telling me to stay away from her or something, but obviously i ignored the world and decided to take my chances.

This girl proved sweet and nice… when she wanted to be and to who she wanted to be. Life calls this “two faced” although because she only showed me one side of her face, that is the only side i decided to see.

 

Girl always used her other friends for things and opening admitted this to me, but me being the foolish young girl i am never thought girl would be doing it to me. I started to see through girl when i started to ask questions, before I’d take her blatant lies and believe them as truths, but on second glance, a lie went to another lie, broke into another lie, then girl started to get angry. This was girls scape goat from everything, her anger. She could leave a conversation and drop a subject at the raise of her voice.

 

I wondered why girl had all these wonderful friends, friends i would adore myself. Friends that i have come to adore myself. She lived with a lady i would compare to Mother Teressa, and treated as though she was the devil’s spawn on earth. Girl would ring me or get into contact with me everyday, until she would find someone better who could satisfy her needs, then i wouldn’t hear from girl. I thought perhaps, girl was sick of me never having a job or any money, although girl knew better than anyone what that was like, and knew why i had neither, but still she would taunt me when I’d tell her i had no money and blame it on my parents for not supporting their 20 year old daughter, do they have to?

I am 20 years old after all, i don’t even feel welcome in this household anymore really.

It is my time to move-out, start my own life, stop harassing my parents to pay my phone bill and give me money when i go out with friends they approve of.That is the only time they would offer me money, when I am going out with a friend they approve of. Why should they give me money when i go out with the girl. I supported her through her hard times, but she doesn’t remember that, she doesn’t remember all the good i did for her, simply, she doesn’t care.

 

That is what i have come to notice, girl only looks out for girl.

I have stopped hanging out with girl, and started hanging out with the rest of the world, and i’ll tell you one thing, the rest of the world is great!

Paradise

The Water Hole

 

Today was a gorgeous 40 degree day, so my friend and I stupidly decided to make a trek to these beautiful falls, not far off the Macquarie Pass.

After slipping in mud and almost losing my thong in a creek bed we finally made it, and the trek was defiantly worth it. Ice cold fresh running water, surrounded by rain forest abundant in natural wonders.

Nasty

It’s only really been the last two years where boys have been taking an interest in me, and this really does make me realise how shallow the world is. Before my behated car accident i was a modest girl with a solid boyfriend and perhaps a little bit of baby fat with little or no interest in make-up or anything girly for that matter.

It seems that since my accident when my weight plummeted to a ghastly 42kg, to a now a happy 52kg, boys seem to notice me, and they don’t only notice me they try to acquire me.

After a short relationship with my 31 year old boss from work, it was clear to me, boys or ‘Men’ for that matter are all the same, and being a 20 year old at present time noticed little or no age difference between myself and my 31 year old weekend manager at Franklins. Since Franklin, there has been a few other guys buy mainly nil due to my standard of which i like to be treated by the male species, and yes i refer to them as a ‘species’ because man, they are in a legue of their own.

Anyway it was just the other week when i was out the front of my house having a drink with my dear friend Skye, when my next door neighbour came out and sparked up a cigarette, me being the shameless person i am asked my neighbour for a spare durry and started chatting with him and his new room mate whom had recently moved to Australia from Canada. We smoked, laughed and eventually went our separate ways.

The next week i was aroused by a knock at the door, when i realised an old school friend TJ was the culprit behind the knock, my face broke out into a huge smile and we sat out the front and plotted the night ahead.It wasn’t until Canada came over and invited us to a house party they were throwing, TJ and I jumped on the invitation and immediatly went and brought a case of beer. The night sailed along nicely, having a few drinks with Mum and Dad then moving to the party next door, then riding to a local club to visist friends then eventually retiring at the early hours of the morning.

The next day i was surprised to see a new facebook friend request with an unfamiliar name, i then realised upon lurking his photos that it was indeed lend-a-smoke next door. So i accepted and posted on his wall. Minutes later this message was inboxed.

 

January 18 at 10:23pm

you will probably delete me, but im curious….
that day i was outside talking to you, you were complaining that u were single and that u were looking for someone decent….im just curious…why do u hang with people like TJ or JT whatever his name was….i hate to state the obvious, but he is drug fucked, which he openly admitted at the party, and hes the type of guy that will go nowhere.

sorry if this offends u

I was offended.

I asked him to meet me out the front and asked his reason behind the message. Everything was cleared up, i shared a joint with Canada and i left feeling that this was something of a small misunderstanding.

As i was walked inside my brother called him into his room. He was on his play station and explained how he could access other computers using a wireless internet signal close by, he then showed me a computer close by, i realised it was smokey’s due to the name of the PC.

“Check this out” he said, going into some files, “He has like 200gb of porn on his computer” he said enthusiastically

“Ew” i muttered thinking, boys are boys, but there was more

“Rape rape rape”  a folder was titled, housing mammoth amounts of .avi files. As my brother searched more we were disgusted to find many of the videos involved beastiality mainly young girls with horses. I was disgusted and vowed never to ask Smokey for a smoke again.I didn’t have another thought about Smokey again until i got a message on my phone off an unknown number, it read:

:Hey it’s your neighbour any chance you want to do something over the weekend?

I replied humorously:

You’re Hectic Stalker Styles!

Wondering how he had gotten my number and we started a casual conversation, the next couple of days he would send me random messages, mainly sick jokes, and i would reply as i am a friendly person and don’t like to be rude.

He kept messaging me and asking me out, which each time i wasn’t available.

Well you send a message saying you have an appointment, which is fair enough He started And it’s not like you said you were free afterward or we can go for a quick swim ect, i invited you to the zoo and never heard back from you, i get it, you’re not interested.

Smokey had really started to annoy me, he acted like a teenage boy even though he was five years my senior.I probably shouldn’t have wrote what i wrote back, but i did…

I am not free afterwards otherwise i would have said that. Heard from me? I said i’d go to the Zoo and never heard back from you, and yeah i am not interested in you, you have horse and rape porn on your pc, bye.

he replied simply by telling me he was calling the cops. I simply to told him to call the cops and by all means tell them that you shared your PC over the internet and that they’d tell you it wasn’t a criminal offense. More fool you buddy. I wrote.

-It’s funny because i talk to your parents

- whats funnier? They know!

I don’t think Smokey realised how admiralty close our family is, and that there is no family secrets.

- Even funnier still, what they are about to find out

Smokey ( i assumed) was referring to the reefa i shared with Canada, my parents know i smoke, so i wasn’t very concerned about this.

-They know everything is to know about me, so try your hardest.

-Challange accepted. I am a 25 year-old train driver who i responsible for over 2000 lives, i volunteer with the SES… I am a responsible adult. I am drug and disease free… and you… well you’re their daughter. Who do you think they will believe. Not so confident now, are you.

I was astounded a stranger thought that MY parents, they people who had conceived, nurtured and raised me would believe a person they had only ever said hello to in passing. Then Smokey tried to go one better;

- See it’s not just your Mum and Dad either… remember i go to SES with John… low and behold i have SES training tonight.

John was my Father’s half brother and he is handicapped. I didn’t like him bringing my special Uncle into this petty argument.

-Delete my number

- No fuck you, you started this, i intent to finish it.

-Started what exactly?

But i think Smokey then realised i hadn’t started anything except perhaps I shouldn’t have brought up his kinky pleasures.

It just shocks and astounds me how boys can be so nice, until they realise you aren’t interested then they are so intent upon making you feel as little as perhaps you didn’t even realise but you were making them feel.

Example number two:

I’ll refer back to an earlier post I called “Ok looking”

I think i explained myself quite well in that post as to why I didn’t feel it nessisary to pursue a relationship with Ok looking boy, simply because I didn’t think we viewed life in the same way. He liked to put people into classes of “Ok looking” compared to “Good looking” etc. Where i disagree, we’re all beautiful people made in god’s vision.

I didn’t speak to Ok looking for a like a week after that incident simply because of his last message. Then outa the blue i received a message from him

Hey Gorgeous I relented this comment, obviously he was trying to get back in my good book, by calling me something he knew i wanted to hear.

I was just thinking about you, sorry about our misunderstanding. Truce?

- Lol no I simply replied, I was not interested in Ok looking anymore, all feelings or thoughts i had about him were gone. I am not one of those girls who still keep feelings for past flings, not that he was a fling seeing as i had only met him on one occasion.

- lol relli? He replied

- Haha yeah why?

-Because i dont want us to stop talking and plus i keep thinking about you. We shouldn’t stop talking just cause i made a mistake by not saying you were beautiful. Which you are. I was just stoned and you know what i am like when i am stoned, i’m a wigger lol.

-oh my god I said starting to get fustrated It’s not because you didn’t call me beautiful.

-Well what was it then? Haha here i am confused. You just don’t like me? If so then i understand

- I just don’t like you, i thought i made that clear after you called me OK looking, didn’t i explain myself well enough?

I think perhaps Ok looking seen this as somewhat of a smartass comment, and then the nastiness starts

-I was blazed buddy. Didn’t really pay attention except when you were being weird when i didn’t call you beautiful. But whatever then i tried to be nice to ya. I apologise for nothing. Later!! Im glad i got that off my chest now i don’t feel guilty. Mad

- I never fucking asked you to call me beautiful. Why do you keep saying that? You don’t get my point!

- I get your point mate. You don’t like me. I get it. Calm down. When i asked you why you don’t have a boyfriend now i know. I only said i was thinking of you cause i felt guilty that i was being my normal self, a fuckwit. Cause you seem nice but now i shouldn’t of apologised. Being nice gets you no where. But whatever buddy, catch ya.

- If insulting me makes you feel better then ok.

Referring to him saying now he realise’s why i don’t have a boyfriend.

-Im not insulting you. Im just saying now i know. Plastic you are, i’ve dealt with girls like you. You act like you wanna talk to me but you don’t really want to. It’s girls like you that makes me treat bitches bad. And i finally thought that there is mad chick i might try to be nice to but you’re just the same. I should of known better, you got me. Well done.

Sad thing was, i did enjoy talking to OK looking, i thought he was funny and witty and seemed like a nice guy.

- Haha i am anything but plastic Juda and please stop insulting me, i have only thought good things of you. Just because i don’t want to be with you doesn’t mean you need to put me down. We only met up once, what did you expect me to fall inlove with you? Grow up little boy.

-  Haha mate i’ve been single for one reason, to fuck bitches. Would you really think i would of had a relationship with you. Dream on mate. I’ve known you for a little bit of time and i think you are a weirdo. Love is nothing to me. You don’t know me at all. Acting like you were happy to talk to me when your not. Bitches with their mind games. Who needs to grow up now. Little girl. Geeze you’re something else telling me to grow up haha.

- Nasty. Delete my number

- You ask for it talking about love and including me in the sentence, thats what you get the truth. Catch ya, sicko!

And the conversation was over.

It seemed that a cute little boy had gone from nice to nasty with the simple click of a finger, or a press of a mobile phone button to be precise.

I wondered how this boy who had so nicely spoke to me telling me about how he was searching for a girlfriend, complimenting me on my easy-going’ness and even going to the length of calling me ‘cool’ now said that he was never looking for a relationship and even told me to keep dreaming. Hang on i thought i was the one telling him i didn’t like him?

Haha, it went from girls to bitches, and relationships to fucks.

Maybe i hurt the poor boys ego telling him i wasn’t interested in him anymore even after his relentless attempts to assure me that he was just “wigging out”

I really don’t understand the world. Do all guys have split personalities? Or is it just the weirdo’s i seem to attract, i probably have to stop being to cool and easy going and start acting more up myself to ward off all the losers and weirdo’s from fooling me into thinking they are decent loving people.

Or wait.. Maybe i am the weirdo, maybe i should of accepted his compliment of  ‘OK looking’ and started a relationship with this boy, who uses bitches for fucks and to whom love doesn’t mean anything.

No wait… i was right!

“OK Looking”

I’ve been called many a thing over my life time, cute, pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, amazing, special, adorable, I’m not putting tickets on myself, but let me explain the rest of the story.

 

I had been chatting to this boy, he seemed nice, laid back and funny too, i like them funny, but anyway, everything was going along superbly, we decided to meet up one day and i told him about my dreams to own a farm and escape society and he didn’t think i was a nut job.

Then the next day i got a message “whats doing gorgeous” i replied and put ‘gorgeous ay’ somewhere in the message. He replied with a reply that went something along these lines of, ‘well you are ok looking’

‘OK looking?’ I replied, i preferred gorgeous hahaha

Anyway the messages went on, and i then said to the boy that i wished to be more than ‘OK looking’ in someone’s eyes if i was to ever see them as more than a friend.The boy then said he wasn’t going to lie to me and say i was the most beautiful girl he had ever met, but I didn’t ask him that did i? He then started to assure me OK was beautiful in his eyes, and i simply let him know that OK was satisfactory, average, one grade above bad, and i wish to be much more than to a person, and that the relationship he was so tediously chasing had so soon come to an end.

 

It wasn’t until the next day he replied, Um if that’s how you feel then I’m a little disappointed. But i guess if you don’t want to talk to me just coz of that then it’s cool.

I ask myself, when did i say i never wanted to talk to you? Just because i don’t want a boyfriend that thinks i am OK looking, I’m sorry, doesn’t mean our friendship cannot transpire, but alas it does, because males are that shallow, as soon as they know a girl doesn’t want to have sex with them oh naw no use talking to them, clearly, and what’s worse, they think we are the same!! Hence the reason we are FE-males, not males. They put the FE in front of the word you know. OK, now I’m generalising.

 

But this comes back to the opening paragraph, boys have called me many adoring things over the years, and generally, that’s what a girl wants to hear. I’m not asking a guy to lie to me, and say i am the most beautiful girl he has ever met, because man, i’ve met some pretty hot chicks myself. But we’re just asking for a little bit of love, a little bit of love and affection, and now I’m singing.

Buuuuut,To me: when a guy and a girl decides to start a relationship that is pretty much saying, you’re the best one out there, so why settle for ‘OK’. And guys, if you’re ever trying to win over a girl, never call her OK looking, even if she is, not that any girl is! We are all beautiful human beings! So society stop putting shit on yourselves and if I could give you one thing in life it would be to see yourselves through my eyes and only then would you all realise how special you are!

Here

I really don’t want to live here anymore.

 

It’s not just my house, it’s this suburb, it’s this area, it’s this country, it’s this world.

 

Sometimes my heart just aches, i wonder why it’s aching, no-one has died.

 

I remember the first time i felt this pain in my chest, was when my friend died in year 4.

 

I realised then what people meant when they used the term ‘heartbroken’.

 

 

 

My heart got better, until 2 years later when my grandmother passed away, but it healed quite nicely yet again.

 

Then when i broke up with the boy i thought i was destined to marry, that hurt, probably not as much as it did the second time round, but it seems to get worse and worse. You love things or people more and more as we get older and makes it harder to leave them behind.

 

 

 

Mum wrote on my Christmas card this year ‘what a great year it has been, all good things come to those who wait’ i would hardly call 2010 a great year. Not for me. I’d call it a ‘better than 2009 year’ but not by any means a ‘great year’

 

I think i was waiting around all year for that great thing to happen, and it’s 2011 and I’m still waiting. Maybe i just expect too much, maybe my standards are just too high. Maybe, but I’ll never know for sure.

 

 

 

Everything was going so good. Then everything was going so bad, then it was going so good again, now i’ve wound up somewhere in between. My life makes me sad, this isn’t where I’d seen my life going. 20 unemployed and disabled, i thought i was going to climb Mt Everest for fucks sake!

 

 

 

It’s no one’s fault but my own really. That’s probably the most disheartening thing about it. I made these standards for myself, and i allowed myself to break them all.That’s probably what this ache is from. Maybe I am missing something in my life, but what? Real friends, a job, a meaning, you know anything would be sustaining. But it’s so hard to find them all! Especially when you’re sitting around on a social networking site writing about all the things you don’t have.

 

I think i solved my own problem.

 

Ciao

 

By Lucy Jean on Tuesday, January 18, 2011 at 10:16pm

People only think about themselves

So many people have told me, so many times i have thought it to myself.

Then why does it always astound me when people are so self indulged, like they couldn’t give a fuck about anyone else, their problems are the only problems in the world.

I thought compassion and empathy were common human traits not specialties. fuck.

No wonder people think i am so nice, i’m not nice, just the rest of the world is fucked!

If someone tells me their problems, generally i think about it until i come to some sort of solution and if there is no solution i’ll always feel a certain amount of empathy for that person. Other people i feel, listen to my problems when i rarely take the time to tell them, and that’s all they do, listen, sure i’ve gotten it off my chest, but help me, like i’ve helped you for the past 4 years?

Then i think, maybe i should just stop befriending these people, clearly they are getting more out of the relationship than i am. They get my time, my thoughts, my concern, my love and in return all i get is their company.

If you didn’t have a job, and i was your friend ringing you to go out, and replied ‘Ive got no money’

i wouldn’t care, my money is your money, you make my night going out with you.

But when people reply ‘oh OK, ill call you tomorrow’

What do you expect I”ll somehow get a job in the next 24 hours, or find a money tree?

The only reason i went back to work after my accident was because i am still underage to get centerlink payments based on my parents income, and having to listen to my parents complain about how broke they are for my entire life, exempts me from ever wanting to ask them for money.

So i went back to work, and broke my already broken back for a company that gave me such little loyalty for the business that pride’s itself upon it’s ‘Loyalty’ yes i am talking about Franklins.

 

And no they didn’t take my new disabilities into account, chronic back pain unable to stand on register 1 for more than an hour, and simply decided to ignore it because i was ‘quick and clean’ After complaining to perhaps every supervisor there and a few managers i decided that if they were going to treat me like shit, i was going to stop giving them my hard work and time. So i resigned. Most people were like ‘why did you quit, now your not going to have any money’

Most people don’t understand the pain i feel, most people don’t CARE. You can’t see my injuries so why do they affect me, i don’t complain about my injuries so everyone thinks i am fine.I am skinny so all the girls think i am happy. it takes more than small hips to make me happy now, yeah i’ve been wishing i looked like this since i turned into a pumpkin in the year of 2004, but still i couldn’t be less happy than i was back then. I could eat any food i wanted without worrying about my irritable bowel, thanks to my bowel reconstruction. Not to mention how long i can sit, or stand with my fucking back. I am an old lady and i am only 20! So many people have come up to me after the accident and said “You look so good” without even asking how i am, i look good, i MUST feel good, why would anyone as pretty and as slim as me, feel bad, gosh that’s unsightly. The only unhappy people are fat and ugly, duh didn’t you get the memo?

 

Now when i go for jobs there is always the “Do you have a disability (box)….if so please state:”

Perhaps the reason no one wants to call me back for a job.

Why would an employer hire me? I’m a liability for fucks sake. As my Mother so nicely pointed out when i got out of Hospital. I know if i was running a business and didn’t have any disabilities i wouldn’t even look at the resume after reading the application form of someone who ticked that box. Sad.

 

What’s sad? No one understands! What’s sadder? No one cares!

And if some people do care, they can rarely ever do anything about it, except give me that sad ‘ i feel sorry for you look’ but that’s fleeting anyway. They’ll go back to their life, and I’ll go back to mine.

 

This whole thing has really made me think about other people, i know that sounds silly, but the thing is you never really know what another person has been through, or how they feel, or what they’re thinking, because i know if Lucy from 2004, was to see Lucy from 2011 walking down the street, she’d wish she was her with her iphone 4 with her flat stomach and slim legs. But really all Lucy 2011 wants, is to be 2004 Lucy, with a bloated stomach from eating too much, not from eating acid food, and her nokia 3310 instead of having a phone plan she can’t even afford to pay anymore.

People’s lives always look so perfect from a distance, sometimes i look perfect from a distance.

 

By Lucy Jean on Friday, January 14, 2011 at 2:48pm